Letter #13

You asked me what I think love means, and I wasn’t sure how to answer you. I know what I feel for you is love, even if you don’t feel it back. I thought I knew what love was before, but it turns out I was wrong almost every time. It’s difficult to pinpoint a definition when you’ve never really seen it up close. I have confused love for passion and lust, for dislike even. Now, I know what love should feel like, since I met you.
The answer I came up with that day was lame; I don’t even remember what I sputtered. If I could say it over, I would tell you that love is a certainty in your soul, a connection unshakable, safety and comfort and friendship for always, no matter what happens; love does not mean you are trapped; rather, it sets you free. You have finally found that partner who is your equal and makes you better just by being there for you through good times and bad. Someone who helps you when you need it, can make you smile through tears, understands you and always looks out for you.
I love you because you give me small surprises all the time, teach me something new every day, always give me your shoulder to cry on, accept the complicated mess that I am and see through the walls I’ve built right to the core of me, the strong, independent, fun woman I really am but lost along the way somewhere.
I tell you everything, but you want to know more – like I am going to turn into someone different and evil someday. You want to know what to expect, what I could be hiding. I wish we could fast forward through time to the point when you will realize that I always show you the real me. There are no more surprises. You have stuck with me through the worst of it, and you’ve shown me you are worthy of me. I wish I could convince you there is nothing negative left to discover.
I wish I knew what you ‘think’ love is, since you are so against saying that’s how you feel about me. You say, “It’s too soon.” I wanted to tell you six months ago, when I really started loving you. But, that would have spooked you even more so I held off and finally told you when I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I didn’t want to lose you and have you never know that’s how I felt about you.
But, now I have shut my heart down it seems; I’ve tried to slow down this rush I feel when I’m around you, so it doesn’t hurt so much to hear the silence of you not saying what I wish you would. I won’t waste my time hoping today will be the day you say it. I have to try hard to push that thought from my mind constantly, or else my heart may break, just like it did the night I told you “I love you.” There is no time limit on love, but you said it will take you a year to say it. That makes me think you’ve never really been in love either. Only time will tell.