Thursday, April 2, 2009

Letter # 9

its 4am and I cant sleep, I keep thinking and its keeping me awake. Basically this is me being really full out honest with you. If that ruins our friendship then so be it. I'd rather be honest. Since the 4th its been really good - I've been able to really separate myself from the situation - from the summer, thus far. Obviously its difficult but I was all ready to do it. I got used to the idea of hooking up with someone else or whatever - coming to terms with the notion that no matter how much you want something, sometimes life just doesn't hand you the right opportunities. But after yesterday and the fact that you kissed me, I decided I was going to fight for it, regardless of whether you want me to or not. And so, consider this my form of fighting - words on paper, which is making me so nervous - cause I don't know what you'll say to respond. For all I know, this could singe handedly terminate EVERYTHING but if you could tell me how you felt about having a kid then I figure I have this to throw out there. Ok so... I cant continue this if we're going to continue hooking up with no commitment.

Here's why.

I'm not someone you're committed to- which means you could go fuck anyone you wanted and I wouldn't get to say a damn thing about it & you know I could do the same thing but I also know [that] you know I wouldn't do it.

At the end of the day you're really all I want. It's been a month, not even, and I can say that. Maybe you don't even need a month, maybe it takes only an instant, maybe you know long before anything even happens. Like its just a feeling you have saved up until its the right time to feel it. I didn't feel it til tonight after you left - like really felt it. Despite the ridiculous signs - everything piecing together like a puzzle - you seriously make me elated when we're together. I never laugh harder, or feel comfortable enough to tell you things. I know you must feel the same on some level. You have to, or else I wouldn't feel this way. It sucks, I know you're just not there yet - you also have unfinished business at school and I get that - you cant or don't want to be with me... all the stuff that's hindering anything to run smoothly this summer. I feel as though i can respect all of that, but at the same time, Im not sure if I'm going to be able to be the "best friend." I'll always feel not good enough to be the one person who gets the privilege to "get you" (as in understand you), and that will suck. Because you totally get me. Like NO ONE does. Its the fucking scariest thing in the world but at the same time so relieving because I never thought someone could. I don't have to explain why, you know why. Its just always there in front of us, all the reasons, all the signs.

I really hope you aren't so freaked out and running for the door right now. I just really have to get this out... before I do something rash or just let it build up inside. You literally walked into my life and turned everything around. I NEVER wanted a relationship and now I'm afraid if I didn't take advantage of the opportunity, I'm gonna always wonder. I think WE'LL always wonder. I just... I don't even know. The friends thing sounded/seemed great. I wish it would work. But lets just be honest. Whether you want to admit it or not, there's so much more than a friendship, and then every day its a constant reminder that I can't meet your standards or that life's just always not allowing us time for anything. I love you - as a person. Every mannerism and every feature of your personality clicks with mine. I'm scared of FALLING IN LOVE with you. I'm not there but I could be. I think you could be. MAYBE it will be years BUT the more I think about how perfectly our lives latch on to one anothers, I cant help but assume there's gonna be much more to our duo than just these summer months. I just really don't know how or why tonight I came to this conclusion but like.... you're really just someone I never expected to be capable of sweeping me off my feet but you did. You really really did, This kind of connection doesn't happen often - probably rare if it happens multiple times to the same person. All denial aside, all stupid baggage of life aside, if you just put me and you together, it makes sense.

You and I make sense.

Consider this letter my fighting chance. Cut me off now if you really think that's what's best. I will take the friendship, hands down no question.... but you deserved to know exactly what I was feeling... so just know when you finish reading this, I'll be at my most vulnerable. So be careful with me.

Wow. This letter really hit a soft spot in me. I wish that someone would tell all of us that the whole "friends with benefits" things is the worst idea in the world and to never ever try it; but somehow I think we would anyway.

This same exact scenario happened to me about two and a half years ago or so, but with slight variations. I fell for the guy I was fooling around with, and I stupidly thought he was falling for me too. That wasn't the case. In a nutshell, I tortured myself for a very long time over it. The worst part was that I couldn't bring myself to stop seeing him because I wanted to be near him so badly. Thankfully, all things good and bad must come to an end. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. GOD that feels good!

I need to be completely honest here. From hearing the same situation explained to me by friends and from experiencing it myself, a relationship almost never forms from friends with benefits. Sweetie, I wish you the best of luck here; and I want to give you my honest advice. Agh, this is like a double-edged sword. If you be completely honest with him now, you might scare him off but save yourself the world of hurt me and many other women have gone through. If you really truly believe that he might come around, wait it out a little while longer and see what happens. Try to ease into it. My biggest mistake was trying to turn it into something it wasn't too soon (I think.) Good luck! Let me know what happens.


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