Thursday, April 30, 2009

Letter # 21

I spent my life too scared to stand still, to stay in once place. I felt the need to keep moving and running, changing my location, my job, my life. Each new place was chance to meet someone different, but each new person passed by quickly, making only the lightest imprint on my life. It’s hard to make connections when you know you’ll be gone before the relationship can grow.

Some people tried to grab and hold onto me, to encourage me to stop and hold my ground. But after a little while every situation ended the same: bitter words being exchanged, me packing my bags, erasing a number from my phone and a face from my mind.

Then came you. Instead of holding me in place, keeping me from my dreams and love of change, you decided to move with me. You showed me love doesn’t need to stay in one place, one home. Love can run and change and become something different everyday. You challenged me by agreeing with my lifestyle, instead of questioning it.

And in letting me move, you eventually encouraged me to stay. Not with words, but with your love. It became apparent to me that I wanted you more than I wanted a new city, a new job, a new life. At first I was scared, and that made me want to run faster and harder than ever before. But you stayed solid, never wavering, never changing. And eventually I slowed, and decided to stand still for a little while-because your love was worth it.
You’ve never asked me to change who I am, but I did. It was hard, but it was worth it. Standing still isn’t so hard when you have someone next to you, holding your hand.

-23, Baltimore, MD

Letter # 20


I may know a lot of things in life, but I don't suppose I know what the purpose of this letter is. Most certainly, it isn't to announce some profound and deep longing for you, as I am sure throughout the years we've known each other, I've made it a known fact not only to you, but all our friends.

It most certainly isn't to tell you that I couldn't get out of bed this morning (well, actually I couldn't, but it had nothing to do with you, but rather, because the air-conditioning was on too high and I was too lazy) because just the thought of taking on the world without you around sickened me enough to put me back to bed - we already visited that stuff last winter.

As well, it isn't to go over the story of the first time I knew I wanted to spend a good portion of my life with you - or, at the very least, "get a shot" with you; by now, we should all know that story by heart.

It isn't to ask for a shot or a chance either, because as I've learned, the more one pushes, the more likely the other is to back off. Although I want you to know I've stopped asking for a chance not because the feelings I've got for you are any less intense, but because I realized that so long as you are in my life, no matter in which capacity, I am satisfied.

One of my favorite poems from the book I'd given you the first few times we met is one about longing. In it, Peter McWilliams writes, "All I Want Is Someone To Talk To About You, But You're The Only One I Can Talk You. Trapped."

I suppose that sums up the purpose of this letter. I write because I want to talk about you, and perhaps address "us" for just one more time, before leaving it all behind and looking ahead to the bright futures we each have.

Do you ever remember reading the book "Little Women?" I recently finished reading it (with great shame as most people finished it in junior high) this winter, and I must say, it's the first book of fiction that I could wholeheartedly relate to - perhaps because it models so well after you and I.

You're very much like Jo. Your intelligence, independence, creativity, feminism, altruism and compassion are all the reasons that upon our first few meetings, I fell "quicker than I thought I could or said I would."

Much like Laurie, the adoration and fondness I have for you is real. From the very beginning, I've looked up to you, and strived to be a better person for you. And, much like Laurie, I've had my options, but the daunting tasks of forgetting I ever loved you is a hard one. After all, it's easy to deal with a rejection when it's about one's ego, but much harder when it's one's heart. But much like Laurie, I've learned to transfer those feelings, changing them from those of romanticism to something more of a friendship - almost the kind of love siblings have for another, and yes, this is real, too.

I don't suppose it's wrong to tell you that now and then, my heart forgets, but my mind is there to remind me - out of the blue, here in Iraq as I am walking down the streets, I'd blurt out, "God, I miss her," only to realize that while I do miss you, the longing and love I feel for you is different now. In short, I want you to know that no matter how much the love I have for you evolves, that you'll always be an important part of my life.

I don't believe in true love. I don't believe in soulmates, and I most certainly do not believe in the myth that we can only love one person in life. Too often, Hollywood has made a living out of painting the picture of the lover in agony - one still suffering from yesterday's rejection and unable to move on, until he gets the woman he loves. That's not true with me. Yet, it is still fair to ask the question: will I ever love someone as much as I loved you?

To that, I want to tell you the story of Vice President Joe Biden. After the "accident" - the death of his first wife and young daughter, the young senator met his current wife - and after a few dates, he asked her if she minded that he was still in love with his first wife, and that still had her pictures and cherished her memories. She responded, "Not at all - because I know that anyone who can love that deeply has the ability to love again."

That's what I believe; I believe I have the ability to love again - and that one day, just as I'd loved you, I will meet an amazing feminist and will love her just as much. And thankfully, you're still alive and here fighting a good fight for social justice with me. What more could a guy ask for?

This, then, the end of my romantic love for you, really isn't an end at all - but the beginning of something profound, something special - the human-to-human connection that only takes place a handful of times in one's life.

I am thankful for this new beginning and I am thankful for you; no matter where we end up in life, I want you to know that you'll always be one to whom I owe, and for whom I feel, the world.


Friday, April 17, 2009

Letter #19

The Way We Were

I look back to the way we were,
How we would walk endlessly together.
I look back to the way we were,
How we wondered how far we could go
I look back to the way we were,
How happy you had made me.

Now I look to the way we are,
And I find I am with another.
These feelings are new,
But they’re not felt for you.
I never thought the day would come,
When I could stare into different eyes,
And realize the way we used to be,
Will only remain as a memory.
For I stand looking at the way we were,
And now I know its over.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Letter #18

I met you at a time in my life when I had no idea who I was and what I was doing. You were patient with me, you were warm, and understanding. You asked me questions and gave me plenty of time to answer them. I tend to ramble on if given the chance, but you didn't mind, you actually liked it. Did you know what you were doing? Did you know that you were making me feel so comfortable with you and giving me a chance to learn about myself? You brought me back from a dark place and I think you are completely unaware. This is just one of the things that I love so much about you. You are honest, and kind, and loving. That is why it took my breath away to hear you say that you couldn't love me back. You said you didn't expect to meet a woman like me, you didn't expect to me to be so wonderful. But the timing is not right for you. There is still a piece of you that holds back. I understand this, I really do. But it breaks my heart to think that I didn't do what you did for me. I didn't bring you back from that place. And for that I am sorry. It kills me to think that other woman let you go. And it kills me to think you were once in love with her, or still may be. I hope one day you wake up with me on your mind and a smile on your face. And I hope one day I wake up and see you there, over and over again.

Charlie Brown once said, "nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter like unrequited love," and here is a perfect example. This is why I think falling in love is terrifying. For a while you think you're both on the same page and then WHAM! You find out that you're wrong. I think that this is probably the most painful sort of love. Where it seems like you've almost got their heart in your hand, but those last couple of inches stretch for miles. I wonder if this sort of situation ever results in a relationship. It's a terrible thing when someone wont let themselves love another. Especially when two people seem perfect for one another.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Letter #17

Hey sweetheart, how have you been? I know it has been sometime now that we have been apart...I would be lying if I said I did not miss you. It pains me that I have to be so many miles away from you, that I even have to write this instead of saying it to you as you sit by my side, but I guess that is something I have to accept. The job still is not going so well, I hate what I am doing and sometimes I wonder if I should change my career completely. I don't know what to do, everything seems so much easier when we are with each other. I hate that life is so complicated and there are so many obstacles along the way before you can be truly happy. But like I always said to you, being happy just to be should be the true creed....I'm trying. Whenever I'm really down I look at that picture of you when you were little, and I find a way to look so adorable with those chicken legs haha =). Ahh to be innocent again, and not have to deal with all this nonsense. Remember when we used to say we just wanted to run away together and start a new life, to just put it all behind and be completely content that we had each other. Maybe that's all we need. I envision that's such a serene in the garden planting flowers, me on the porch listening to the game on the radio with the rolling hills in the distance. Great dream, and then I wake up and my boss is in my face yelling at me and reality hits haha. One day we'll make it happen, I promise I'll be back....but for now....what's going on up there, how are classes and work going? Don't worry so much about school, everything always has a way of working itself out (and if it doesn't you can always wear the hat I gave you reaaal low at your desk and let your eyes wander.... like you don't do that already!) Last time we talked, you were kinda down and not yourself, you know it pains me to know you're not yourself...stay positive and go out! Make some new friends, try new things, show the world that beautiful smile of yours. You're going to be just fine....just go to Fairfield like we always used to do and think things through. It's not the same without you but...I go to the mill in town and sit by the waterfall sometimes because it's so beautiful and peaceful...just like our spot by the lake. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here with me. Stay smiling...I'll try to do the same. I love you with all my heart.
All my best,

I Love You, Man... cont

I think this is a great discussion to bring up. This whole idea of getting married and why we really do it actually spawned the brilliant idea to launch Love Letters From Strangers.

About a month ago, on the very same freaking day, my Dad informed me that he is to get his second divorce and one of my best friends called me to tell me she got engaged. Talk about a day of mixed emotions.

Ever since I have been on a sort of quest to figure out WHY it seems so.... so.... customary to get married. You should see the rant I came up with: six pages, single spaced and most of it doesn't make sense. It also dealt with Tom Robbins's question "How do you make love stay" and considered "When I'm 64" by The Beatles.


I've been trying to think of reasons not to get married; and after reading these letters and thinking very very hard on the matter... I'm having trouble coming up with them. Besides the obvious reasons relating to divorce statistics, wrecked families, etc. If you really find someone who is special and amazing and who, at least at the present moment, you genuinely want to be with "forever," then why WOULDN'T you get married?

I love that Amber brought up the reason of taxes. It's actually hilarious. And I also want to refer back to Sex and the City.

So sure, the decision to get married calls for celebration. One where you can flaunt your love and happiness to family and friends. Why wouldn't you want to have a big party announcing you've found the love of your life? (Or at least, love of your life numero uno.) Unless your like me and cringe at the thought of your entire family in one room... maybe you don't feel this way.

But the thing is, what is marriage if it's not just a business agreement? Take Carrie's case (guys reading this... I'm really sorry that you have to listen to Sex and the City references. But unfortunately for you, this blog is run by two women; and for girls in their twenties... Sex and the City is the mother f-ing Bible. In addition, if you were smart, you would actually watch these shows. They explain EVERYTHING). Now, back on track. Carrie loves Big. Carrie moves in with Big. Big deal. Big move. Big relationship. But. What about when something happens? When you break up? There is the whole "what's rightfully mine" crap and the "dividing of the assets" crap. In my opinion, marriage is beginning to seem like a security blanket. Because really, who honestly wants to negotiate with an ex? Maybe marriage is just a way to prevent ourselves from getting screwed over. Maybe it isn't really about love and staying together forever. Maybe all it really is about is protection.

So when a guy's getting married and his best man asks him why he's taking the plunge, how many of them have a real honest to goodness answer? "Because I love her." Doesn't love fade? "She's the one." Hmm... divorce rates are up to 60%. "Because I'm getting old, fat, and bald and she still has sex with me," (haha.... I crack myself up).

That's my current stance on marriage. I'll expand on my theory after further scrutiny.

I Love you, Man.... loveletters edition

So last night, I saw Jason Segel's latest step to becoming the country's hottest and silliest dude-bro in the movie I Love You, Man. I thought this flick would have compared to his earlier works in ranks of funnies, nasty-jokes and smacks at annoying girlfriends and exes but lucky for me, it only really filled in for the last of those three.

One part in the movie though, that I thought would be a valid point or idea to bring up here in this forum is the portion of the movie where Segel's character, Sydney and Peter (Paul Rudd's character, yes the hot brother from Clueless, I know!) are talking while picking out tuxedos for Peter's wedding and Syd pops the question, "Why are you marrying her?"

Like any other funny boy in this line of movies, Peter OBViously ends up basically saying he doesn't know. He later asks his finance, Zooey (who is played by Office alum, Rashida Jones) why they are getting married and how he and Syd had a chat. If there's one way to make your fiance feel pretty darn unloved two weeks before the wedding, I would say asking that question with a blank face darn near nails it!

But I guess whoever wrote this at times hilarious but mostly mediocre script was trying to get across a more important point - do we really know why we get married? If it's just for love, then why not just keep doing what you're doing? I think in Sex and the City once said, "If it ain't broke, don't marry it." Exactly.

In I Love You, Man's case however, this guy couldn't even give a serious or immediate answer and lucky for him and all fledging dudebros watching, his fiance couldn't give him a second to complete his statement or acknowledge that he may be on to something.

I'm not sure, it could be in me, enjoying my blissful relationship with ________. And by that I meant myself, but does it seem like the ones getting married aren't together before too long but those who choose not to get married are together forever. And people are always pressuring, "Well when are you going to get marrrried already?" like annoying little bratty kids... why?

If for taxes, I guess that is cool. I don't know a lot about taxes, so I can't really speak to the savings you are opened up to once you officially share your shit with someone else because a Justice of the Peace said you did.

I mean, do people really have a good reason for marrying each other these days? Or perhaps i should be asking this, is loving someone like, a lot, enough of a reason to take the plundge? It's not like if you're not married, you can only reach a certain height of love? Love is the same, married or unmarried, gay or straight... you get the picture. I think if you need a piece of paper, a cheesy photo album of pictures and a big-ass expenzive cake to prove it, your motives probably aren't where the little marriage angels intended them to be.

So, as you go out this-coming weekend to the box office to engage yourself in a cinematic adventure, way out the options carefully, as I have basically spoiled I Love You, Man for you. It's cute, but not near what I thought it would be. Plus it paints all chicks as either annoying, unable to hang and play sports or as brainless hotties. Ha...... great. - Amber

Monday, April 13, 2009

Letter # 16

A little background on this letter.... This was the first letter that J sent to L after being deployed in Iraq. He included a drawing of himself with the letter.

It is now May and in four months, we will have known each other one year. It makes me pretty happy to know this. Time seems to fly by when I'm busy. Don't take this the wrong way, but I prefer to work hard, so not to think about you as much. When we have nothing to do I become an emotional rollarcoaster. Happy you're in my life, happy to know you are the one waiting for me, then so dissapointed that I can't spend these days with you. Then happy again because I know deep down that I see this light at the end of the tunnel. Its me and you feeding ducks, pondside, during a cool Mass summer day.

So you want to know what I do for a living, have you heard of the term "seek and destroy?" I hunt terrorists and their supplyloads. Don't worry they usually don't stay to fight, they can't shoot straight at all. On my team there are four positions: Team Leader (Me), Saw Gunner (S), Grenader (F), and Rifleman (empty). As the TL I control where and when they shoot and also how fast they shoot.

Well I need to wrap this up, very late and I'm writing this under a head lamp. Please don't mind the handwriting and spelling, because I don't (haha). You're all I want. Pretty soon its going to be a lot of cocktails and moonlit skies.

Your soldier,

I like this letter a lot because it is pretty honest. When you're in those beginning stages of your relationship, you usually spend those times together doing the cutesey things that J refers to, like feeding ducks, or if you're luckier, you can enjoy that stuff throughout your entire couple-hood. He talks about how he is glad time is passing quickly because he can see the light (begins with the letter L.... like the receiver :) ) at the end of his tunnel. This letter I think represents those euphoric times you have with your lover, before you start getting a little pissy with each other over the silly stuff sometimes... I know I'm not the only one. I feel bad for these two because they had to spend some of their get-to-know-each-other-and-feel-each-other-out time apart, but each couple has their own fingerprint and unique experience and being apart because of the war is part of theirs'. As I have expressed before, I really enjoy love letters that were written over a distance or an event, like war... or it could be personal travels or two people who are simply stretched over a distance because of work. I think people are very truthful with their feelings in these kind of letters, because nine times out of 10, that letter is their significant other's representation of them until the next letter comes.
- Amber

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Letter #15

You read about, or watch on TV, people in the dilemma of having "such a tough decision" - where they think they're in love with two people at the same time, where in reality - one would be so lucky as to find true love ONCE in their lifetime.

But I, I can lay claim to the experience of having two loves at once. And I would give anything for it not to be so.

When you're caught looking behind, you veer and crash and present is not perfect anymore.
But you're left with what-if's, and I-wonder's...
IS IT true? that I would regret more what I missed out on?
I find that I am still in love with my past, but already love my present and possible, PROBABLE, future.

So you laugh when you watch the most recent Bachelor, and scoff - "how could you fall THAT in love with two people at the exact same time?? you don't hold either of them closer to heart than the other?!"

no. You don't. You fell in love so hard the first time, head over heels-butterflies-cant remember your own name. The second time is such a completely different love - the warm, secure, wrap-your-arms-around-me kind, where you sink into it like a warm bath, rather than stumbling head first.
And they're so different, they co-exist, and you wonder, HOPE, the day comes soon where one releases you from its hold.

I've learned to embrace, learn, and move on from the butterflies. Because the second love, the one I'm engulfed in now, is better than butterflies - its a flame. It flickers, it steadies, it sears and softens. It's mine.

Butterflies vs. flames.... couldn't you also get burned by a fire? I'm not sure of the context of this letter, but I was glad that this writer acknowledged how lucky she is to be in love with not one, but two people this much. I'm going to throw out a word here for people to think about maybe in relation to this letter, their own life or however they want to think about it: Lust.

Lust can give you butterflies and flicker? But don't or aren't most loves supposed to commence with lust? Where does lust belong in the scheme of love? I really do like the image of loves as butterflies or flames. I've never thought about categorizing loves before. - Amber

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Letter #14

Female, 19, New York

Everyone said I could do better and after hearing it over and over, day and night, I didn’t know what to think. They all asked me where you were going with your flannel shirts and skull caps; they never believed me about the mind you hid modestly, the brain waves programmed especially for physics and chemistry. You could explain the world and its complexities to me. And you did, gently and patiently.

But beside your brains, there was your heart. Broken before you had a chance to fall in love right, fuller than full, and loyal to a soft and heavy heartbeat, it was something I could trust would be there every morning.

I’m sorry I left but I’m more sorry that I used the distance between us as my reason. It could have worked and I hope that one day it will. Until then, I feel lucky to have been loved by you and to you for letting me love you for what in retrospect feels like little more than a long weekend. I could not have done better, I never expect to, and I miss you. You were going exactly where I want to be.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Letter #13

You asked me what I think love means, and I wasn’t sure how to answer you. I know what I feel for you is love, even if you don’t feel it back. I thought I knew what love was before, but it turns out I was wrong almost every time. It’s difficult to pinpoint a definition when you’ve never really seen it up close. I have confused love for passion and lust, for dislike even. Now, I know what love should feel like, since I met you.
The answer I came up with that day was lame; I don’t even remember what I sputtered. If I could say it over, I would tell you that love is a certainty in your soul, a connection unshakable, safety and comfort and friendship for always, no matter what happens; love does not mean you are trapped; rather, it sets you free. You have finally found that partner who is your equal and makes you better just by being there for you through good times and bad. Someone who helps you when you need it, can make you smile through tears, understands you and always looks out for you.
I love you because you give me small surprises all the time, teach me something new every day, always give me your shoulder to cry on, accept the complicated mess that I am and see through the walls I’ve built right to the core of me, the strong, independent, fun woman I really am but lost along the way somewhere.
I tell you everything, but you want to know more – like I am going to turn into someone different and evil someday. You want to know what to expect, what I could be hiding. I wish we could fast forward through time to the point when you will realize that I always show you the real me. There are no more surprises. You have stuck with me through the worst of it, and you’ve shown me you are worthy of me. I wish I could convince you there is nothing negative left to discover.
I wish I knew what you ‘think’ love is, since you are so against saying that’s how you feel about me. You say, “It’s too soon.” I wanted to tell you six months ago, when I really started loving you. But, that would have spooked you even more so I held off and finally told you when I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I didn’t want to lose you and have you never know that’s how I felt about you.
But, now I have shut my heart down it seems; I’ve tried to slow down this rush I feel when I’m around you, so it doesn’t hurt so much to hear the silence of you not saying what I wish you would. I won’t waste my time hoping today will be the day you say it. I have to try hard to push that thought from my mind constantly, or else my heart may break, just like it did the night I told you “I love you.” There is no time limit on love, but you said it will take you a year to say it. That makes me think you’ve never really been in love either. Only time will tell.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Letter #12

After we spoke today I was left feeling uneasy. I was panicky and
anxious. The overwhelming notion came over me that I let something
really great pass me by some three years ago. Has that ever happened
to you before? I feel like I had something really great for a moment
in time and I threw it away. What kind of person does that?
I know I have no business saying this to you. I noticed you’re in a
relationship and I’m happy that you have found a woman who appreciates
you for who you are. Anyway, these sort of things don’t generally have
a reset button, except maybe in a few rare cases, and I don’t really
have a good excuse for saying this to you. It’s just sometimes an idea
moves through me so strongly that I need to say it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you really are someone great,
and who ever you end up with are really lucky. And you should probably
remember this in the future.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Love Letter #11

Dear D:
I have known you for fifty three (53) years! In all that time, I have never stopped loving you! Even though at times, I thought I could hate you! However there is such a fine line between love and hate, that the hate factor never really filtered in to my feelings of love for you!
In a week, we will be married for fifty (50) years! It doesn't seem that long, but time has a way of creeping up, to keep us in a reality check! I look at you and even though we have aged, we are not old, and I still see the face of young man! I only hope you see the face of a young woman when you look at me! You did say the other day, I still had a pretty face, so, I guess you still see something of my youth in me!
We have had our battles! Some worse than others, but we stuck it out and here we are today! We do not fight or argue as we did when we were younger! I admit to being at fault for some of the battles, but I usually had a cause...the children! I had to let them know that I loved them so much, I would fight for them. Oh, it was usually something small, like fresh crayon drawings on a newly wallpapered room, that you had worked so hard to finish , or the dog licking peanut butter off of the woodwork, where I had smoothed it on to cover toy car marks on the wood itself! The oils in peanut butter would cover a lot of scratch marks on the walls when the kids were growing up! Then again, remember the night our son pulled the tablecloth of the table with your supper still fresh on the plate and they landed on the floor! Oh the look on your face was priceless, but you got up and walked out of the house "to cool off".
Yes ,Love, we had minor incidences, and there were times when jealousy would crop up into our lives and doubt would be our enemy! An enemy that would soon recover and we would be on the road to fifty years once more!!! We had faith in each other, and sometimes, it's not so much love, as it is respect and caring.
When I came down with that terrible illness two years ago, where you and the "kids" were in great fear that I was dying and you took such wonderful care of me! I don't have many memories of being that sick, but I remember opening my eyes one day, to see you sitting by my bed and tears rolling down your cheeks. You did everything for me that I needed to have done! I couldn't dress myself with out your help. I had to sit in a wheel chair for weeks and then had to learn to use a walker and I am just now giving up my cane! IT was because of you and your love that I am where I am today!
The first night I was home after my nursing home stay, you put me into bed, lifting my legs and covering me. Then you got into bed beside me, and pulled me over into the safety of your arms and I HAVE NEVER FELT SO SAFE! For ten weeks , I lived in fear while others took "care" of me. But, now, I knew I would be alright!
One day in the nursing home,You promised to dance with me on our fiftieth anniversay and now I look forward to that one dance. It may take place in the kitchen, but I know we will have that dance.
Thank you for fifty three (53) of the best years of my life!
All my love.............J

I will be seventy (70) years old in a few weeks and my husband just turned seventy two (72) years old, As I mentioned in my letter, I have AGED, but I refuse to grow old! We were married on April 4, 1959!

Lets all give a hand to D&J for making love last for 53 years! With more than half of all marriages today ending in splitsville, this couple really makes you wonder what people are doing differently today versus what they were doing back in the day (on April 4, 1959 to be exact) to make a union between two people so different. I think maybe part of that secret, and this is coming from someone who is a) not married and b) hasn't been in a relationship for a whiiiile - but maybe its acknowledging that you're not always going to be head over heels for this person, maybe like J said, there is a little hate to making love so damn sweet.

Another thing that J touches upon, that I always kinda wondered about, is aging and what a person sees when they look at their partner as time wears on. I have known my mom for almost 23 years, and I guess when I look at her, for example (sorry, mom) I don't see how she has changed from when I was five - the way she looks and the image of her in my mind has changed with her over the years. But I can't help but wonder and shrug, when attraction may have some part in the way someone physically looks, does that affect things? That could be a fairly shallow question to ask, but I'm just curious. I would like to guesstimate that you find parts about that person that are deeper than how they look on the surface that that takes over physical attraction, but is that how it is? I have no clue but maybe there is someone out there reading this now with my answer. If you reply to this, I could potentially post your response.

In your experience, how does aging affect love or a marriage - if it has any impact at all?

- Amber

Friday, April 3, 2009

Letter #10

There's this woman that I spent two years of my life with in a relationship and even more years being her best friend. There is NO one like her in this world. She is perfect, amazing, bright, gorgeous, intelligent and well rounded. She is the love of my life, my soul mate. We are no longer together and it has been about a year since we were. Everyday I wake up and hope that maybe that day will be the day I hear from her. Every time I do hear from her I know its only a matter of time till she runs away again. I cant blame her. In retrospect the relationship was pretty awful but never once did that change my mind, I always knew that I loved her and she in return loved me. Maybe it was too soon, we were too young, I was too blind, or maybe it was a challenge that we didnt persevere through together. I did some things that I am still trying to forgive myself
for, some things that for the rest of my life I will have to ask myself "what if". The fact of the matter is I cant change any of it now and neither can she but there is a burning desire in me to try again because when I say there is NO ONE like her I mean it. I never was a person that believed in much, but after finding her I believed in myself, i believed in the power of love, and i believed in soul mates. I always thought that the word soul mate was a little too cliché for my liking or for my finding. Sadly I was wrong and not only was I wrong I foolishly lost my very own soul mate. When I am around her it feels like I am complete in every sense of the word. There's a pull between us that acts like two magnets, I cant see her without staring into her eyes and falling harder each time. It has taken me so long to get over her and a part of me doesnt want to let go even still. In my mind there's a reason that I am torturing myself, hanging on to nothing because maybe just maybe if I do some day she will forgive me and come back. The reality of that happening... who knows but I know that I am missing her, desperately and for now I am willing to go through the pain of not knowing and through the pain of maybe even never
having another chance to do better but if I let go now I let go of forever.
love always,
23 Western MA

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Letter # 9

its 4am and I cant sleep, I keep thinking and its keeping me awake. Basically this is me being really full out honest with you. If that ruins our friendship then so be it. I'd rather be honest. Since the 4th its been really good - I've been able to really separate myself from the situation - from the summer, thus far. Obviously its difficult but I was all ready to do it. I got used to the idea of hooking up with someone else or whatever - coming to terms with the notion that no matter how much you want something, sometimes life just doesn't hand you the right opportunities. But after yesterday and the fact that you kissed me, I decided I was going to fight for it, regardless of whether you want me to or not. And so, consider this my form of fighting - words on paper, which is making me so nervous - cause I don't know what you'll say to respond. For all I know, this could singe handedly terminate EVERYTHING but if you could tell me how you felt about having a kid then I figure I have this to throw out there. Ok so... I cant continue this if we're going to continue hooking up with no commitment.

Here's why.

I'm not someone you're committed to- which means you could go fuck anyone you wanted and I wouldn't get to say a damn thing about it & you know I could do the same thing but I also know [that] you know I wouldn't do it.

At the end of the day you're really all I want. It's been a month, not even, and I can say that. Maybe you don't even need a month, maybe it takes only an instant, maybe you know long before anything even happens. Like its just a feeling you have saved up until its the right time to feel it. I didn't feel it til tonight after you left - like really felt it. Despite the ridiculous signs - everything piecing together like a puzzle - you seriously make me elated when we're together. I never laugh harder, or feel comfortable enough to tell you things. I know you must feel the same on some level. You have to, or else I wouldn't feel this way. It sucks, I know you're just not there yet - you also have unfinished business at school and I get that - you cant or don't want to be with me... all the stuff that's hindering anything to run smoothly this summer. I feel as though i can respect all of that, but at the same time, Im not sure if I'm going to be able to be the "best friend." I'll always feel not good enough to be the one person who gets the privilege to "get you" (as in understand you), and that will suck. Because you totally get me. Like NO ONE does. Its the fucking scariest thing in the world but at the same time so relieving because I never thought someone could. I don't have to explain why, you know why. Its just always there in front of us, all the reasons, all the signs.

I really hope you aren't so freaked out and running for the door right now. I just really have to get this out... before I do something rash or just let it build up inside. You literally walked into my life and turned everything around. I NEVER wanted a relationship and now I'm afraid if I didn't take advantage of the opportunity, I'm gonna always wonder. I think WE'LL always wonder. I just... I don't even know. The friends thing sounded/seemed great. I wish it would work. But lets just be honest. Whether you want to admit it or not, there's so much more than a friendship, and then every day its a constant reminder that I can't meet your standards or that life's just always not allowing us time for anything. I love you - as a person. Every mannerism and every feature of your personality clicks with mine. I'm scared of FALLING IN LOVE with you. I'm not there but I could be. I think you could be. MAYBE it will be years BUT the more I think about how perfectly our lives latch on to one anothers, I cant help but assume there's gonna be much more to our duo than just these summer months. I just really don't know how or why tonight I came to this conclusion but like.... you're really just someone I never expected to be capable of sweeping me off my feet but you did. You really really did, This kind of connection doesn't happen often - probably rare if it happens multiple times to the same person. All denial aside, all stupid baggage of life aside, if you just put me and you together, it makes sense.

You and I make sense.

Consider this letter my fighting chance. Cut me off now if you really think that's what's best. I will take the friendship, hands down no question.... but you deserved to know exactly what I was feeling... so just know when you finish reading this, I'll be at my most vulnerable. So be careful with me.

Wow. This letter really hit a soft spot in me. I wish that someone would tell all of us that the whole "friends with benefits" things is the worst idea in the world and to never ever try it; but somehow I think we would anyway.

This same exact scenario happened to me about two and a half years ago or so, but with slight variations. I fell for the guy I was fooling around with, and I stupidly thought he was falling for me too. That wasn't the case. In a nutshell, I tortured myself for a very long time over it. The worst part was that I couldn't bring myself to stop seeing him because I wanted to be near him so badly. Thankfully, all things good and bad must come to an end. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. GOD that feels good!

I need to be completely honest here. From hearing the same situation explained to me by friends and from experiencing it myself, a relationship almost never forms from friends with benefits. Sweetie, I wish you the best of luck here; and I want to give you my honest advice. Agh, this is like a double-edged sword. If you be completely honest with him now, you might scare him off but save yourself the world of hurt me and many other women have gone through. If you really truly believe that he might come around, wait it out a little while longer and see what happens. Try to ease into it. My biggest mistake was trying to turn it into something it wasn't too soon (I think.) Good luck! Let me know what happens.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Letter #8

These two letters came in the form of cards from someone I told about the project in person. The receiver, an older gentleman from central Mass. explained to me that a series of cards and gifts had been dropped off at his doorstep anonymously - sometimes with a gifts, like cashmere sweaters. He went on to tell me that his secret admirer would leave the cards on the doorstep, ring the doorbell, then bolt. He said he would run to the door to only see the cards and a paid of brake lights down his road. Here are two of the inscriptions from in the cards... pictures to match!

Loving You...Is So Damn Easy!

Hi Honey,
I can't get you out of my mind since I last saw you! I thought you would like this little gift and hope you think of me when you wear it. any time you want to put your shoes under my bed you can - permanently!! I see you when you don't even see me. I hope someday you & I will get together for good! Maybe tie the knot!! The next time I see you, I'll make sure you talk to me. Maybe even more if you have time!! Ha! Ha! You are such a hunk!! I just love you more then i can say!
Love & Kisses,
A Special Lover??

To Know You Is To Love You! I Know You Very Much!

Here is another card from me! I made a poem up for you and hope you like it. I will be seeing you soon - real soon! I made up my mind to meet you soon. I will call & get in touch with you some how!!
The time has come for us to meet
For you I am having restless sleep.
I think of you all the time
and hope that you'll soon be mine.
I hope that you will not be mad
for this will make me very sad!
You must ?Ponsant? to my only wish
and get rid of that other dish
Your wish is my only command
for I want you for my special man!
So, be patient and you will see
that you and I are meant to be!
Love you, Lover Boy-